Two years ago, July 14, 2018, I was assaulted by my former boyfriend resulting in major dental injuries, bodily harm and emotional / mental trauma. (See my 2019 post for details) Today, I have healed on so many levels, however, I am still dealing with invasive dental work and have yet to achieve success replacing my front tooth. I thought 2020 would be my year to finally have my smile back, but as with many other things in this world, 2020 has not been kind to these hopes and dreams.
February of this year I was scheduled to have a healing cap placed on my dental implant. The plan was that a week after I would finally have the replacement tooth inserted. I felt like I was approaching the finish line. During the procedure, my implant came completely out. This was unexpected and incredibly discouraging, but I am here to tell you what I have learned from this experience. The photos below are a perfect representation of how quickly bad news can effect us emotionally. The photo on the left is me feeling so excited for this next step and envisioning the light at the end of the tunnel finally approaching. The photo on the right is after the procedure was over and I was informed that it failed and we would have to start the process all over again. In this moment, I was absolutely crushed and defeated. So much of my brain wanted to go back into a victim mentality – “Why me?” “Why do I deserve this?” – and today I am going to share with you how I have chosen to grow over the last year and shift my mindset so that life’s disappointments are much more manageable.
A week later, I was back in the dentist chair and getting a second bone graft to restart the process from the beginning. This procedure was way more invasive, way more painful and way more emotional for me. Trigger Warning: The video below shows my mouth swollen and full of stitches. I am only showing it because I think it’s important to be completely upfront with how insane this process has been and how critical it is for EVERYONE to recognize unhealthy and toxic relationships – and leave them!
My first year of healing was hard. It was very mental, emotional and trying. My focus was on healing physically enough that people couldn’t tell there was anything “wrong” with me. Then my focus shifted to healing emotionally enough that I would never be in a relationship like that again. Then it shifted again to healing mentally enough to not even care that I was missing a front tooth. The balance between these 3 focal points was difficult. They shifted constantly. My confidence also shifted constantly.
My second year of healing has been focused almost exclusively inward. In a lot of ways, this has allowed me to grow exponentially. It’s not that I don’t care at all anymore that I’m missing my front tooth, but instead I have reached a place of acceptance about it. It was not my fault. There is nothing I can do to change it in the present moment. I also finally started to realize that I cared about it more than anyone else. My mind was focusing on it constantly, but no one else around me was. Finally waking up to that reality was huge. It was one less thing I had to worry about. The feelings of being stared at or judged or asked uncomfortably about it were gone. Just because I can constantly feel the flipper in my mouth does not mean that everyone around me is aware of it.
The biggest lesson I have learned in the last year is that mindset is everything. Life is going to be hard. Things will not always work out. We will get knocked down, discouraged and challenged in this world. We all have choices in how we handle these setbacks. We can focus on them and let the gray cloud slowly hover over our heads or we can count our blessings, pick ourselves up and persevere. It is never easy to immediately count blessings when things go wrong. It’s healthy to feel sad, angry or down in the dumps sometimes. What isn’t healthy is keeping your mindset there any longer than you have to. I learned a few tricks that have worked for me to keep a positive mindset and I will share them in case they may work for you too.
- KEEP A JOURNAL! I journal everyday. No matter if I am feeling happy, sad, angry, scared, nervous, anything – I make sure I let out those feelings on paper because it gives me a release. Your support system may not always be available to you so it’s important to have an arsenal of other weapons to help you navigate your healing. My journal has allowed me to look back in time and see where I was and how much I have grown on days where I feel defeated. It has also allowed me to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, disappointments and successes while being completely genuine and raw without fear of judgement or criticism. I bring my journal with me to therapy every week and it has been a great tool for me when maybe my spoken words fail me, my writing can fill in the gaps. Sometimes things are harder to talk about and so those things in writing can open up uncomfortable dialogue that I may not be as inclined to share in person with my therapist. Most of my journal is very private but I am going to share something I wrote to myself as a reminder of seeking encouragement from within sometimes.
2. THERAPY! I can not express enough how much therapy has completely changed my life, my attitude, my mindset and my confidence. Speaking to a professional who can provide sound, unbiased and healthy advice is crucial to navigating the healing process. My therapist has taught me who I am, although she would never take credit for it. There are some friends / acquaintances I have spoken to in the last year who did not have a similar therapy experience. After speaking to those people, I realized something. As with most experiences in life, you get out of them what you put into them. I could easily forget about my journal or ignore the advice given to me or pretend that I have it all figured out – but all I would be doing with that mindset is throwing my money away. Do not go to therapy or any other type of service if you are not interested in growth. Take the time to value yourself and first make sure that you have a good match with your therapist. Once compatibility is established, release yourself and let down your walls. Tell your therapist what you are struggling with. Listen to their advice. Read and take notes on the books and articles they recommend. Don’t be afraid to be raw and honest. You are protected in that room and that includes your thoughts and feelings. Value yourself and your future enough to put in the work to grow. Take advantage of the amazing opportunity to see a perspective different from your’s. Remember that sometimes when we heal from trauma, we realize that former habits, thoughts, patterns or feelings may have originated from very unhealthy and toxic places. These realizations are difficult to see by yourself. Trust your therapist to help you through them and I guarantee you will feel so much lighter and free when you have those awakenings. I treat therapy almost like a college course on myself. Spending 1 hour at a time in her office is fine, but the growth comes from taking what is learned in that 1 hour and applying it to my life during all of the other hours.
3. SUPPORT SYSTEMS! Who do you trust in your life? Who do you feel comfortable turning to when you are feeling down? Whether it be family, friends, neighbors, a significant other, etc – those people are your support system and just as they may reach out to you when they are feeling defeated, you should try to reach out to them when you are feeling that way too. I have found that sometimes just getting out of my house and forcing myself to be social has helped a lot. Being around your support system doesn’t have to mean that you are having a sit down meeting about all of the issues plaguing you. It could just mean that you are around another human that you love and without saying anything, you are reminded of that love and support. Sometimes that can be enough. Another thing I have learned about support systems in the last year is that as we heal from trauma and grow, sometimes we can outgrow people. Outgrowing someone doesn’t mean that one person is better than the other or more advanced or anything like that. It just means that what used to line up and serve the relationship simply doesn’t anymore as you grow and shift your needs. It’s natural and although it may be hard to see certain friendships and relationships change, it also makes room for new ones as you start to grow into your new self. As you continue to learn to value yourself, you will want relationships in your life that mirror that. Surround yourself with positivity, encouragement and peace the best that you can.
4. NATURE! Connect with nature! Even if you just drink your coffee in the morning with your bare feet in the grass – try to do something to get outside everyday. There are plenty of social-distance-friendly places out there where you can find quiet time to connect with yourself, breathe in fresh air, let the warm sun hit your face and feel the earth at your feet. Sit quietly and listen to trickling water in a creek. Find a comfy rock or tree stump to sit on and stare up at the trees blowing back and forth in the wind. Nature is beautiful and our bodies and minds were made to connect with it. Focusing on TV and social media and all of the negativity that comes along with that can be detrimental to your healing and growth if you aren’t balancing out that negativity with something positive.
5. DIET / EXERCISE! One of the first things we start neglecting when we feel depressed is our diet and motivation to exercise. I’m not really a health fanatic or anything like that but I do happen to love cooking and I’m lucky that vegetables happen to be my favorite food to cook. Make sure you have access to drinkable water. Buy yourself a Brita filter and make sure you are keeping your body hydrated. Dehydration can cause all kinds of symptoms that will keep a depressed person very much depressed. Eat what makes you happy but also find the balance to eat what makes your body happy too. I like to try to cook a big meal about 3 times a week and eat the leftovers on the off days. Prepping is a big way to help stay on track. If you have healthy options readily available, you will be more inclined to choose them. Do what works for you as all of our bodies are different, but no matter what, make sure you at least value yourself enough to care. As for exercise, there are so many online options right now because of the social distancing measures. I know for me, working out at home is much more comfortable than going to a gym. Exercising doesn’t have to feel like exercise if you like what you are doing. Go for a hike. Walk around your town and check out neighborhoods you’ve never been to. Go kayaking. Anything to get your body moving each day will keep your energy up.
6. BE BOLD! This may seem daunting when you are feeling overwhelmed already but I have found that it helped me to jump into ideas or experiences that would have previously made me anxious. Last fall, I traveled to Thailand and Indonesia with two close girlfriends. I got stitches out of my mouth a week before we left and I was slightly nervous about traveling so far… to third world countries… with a chance for something to go wrong with my mouth. I could have let that stop me. I could have held myself back, but instead I went and figured if anything happened, maybe I would get to see the inside of a Thai dentist office. That trip ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life and I learned so much about myself on it. Sometimes throwing ourselves out of our comfort zones allows us to be impacted in ways that we wouldn’t have normally. That trip to Asia built my confidence, made me feel capable and encouraged me to see more of the world.
7. INVENTORY! Take inventory of your life as often as you can. What does this mean exactly? Prioritize time to sit with yourself and look objectively at your daily life. What is bringing you happiness? What is causing you stress? Keep track of these things and try your best to eliminate whatever isn’t serving your greater good. We are who we surround ourselves with. The people and experiences around you will impact your energy and mindset. Make sure you are doing what you can to keep the energy around you positive and it will aid your overall mindset, mood and outlook. I personally try to take inventory of myself as often as I can, however, another calendar marker that I use are the full moons. Many people believe that during a full moon you can mentally release things that are no longer serving you and kind of recharge yourself. Since full moons occur about once a month, it’s perfect timing to reflect on your past few weeks, understand what is bringing you up or down in your life and try to let go of anything that has been weighing on you. Setting boundaries in your life toward negative things is a very necessary step toward happiness.
Disclaimer: I by no means have this whole healing journey figured out. I still have many hard days or days where I struggle to get out of bed. I still get emotional out of nowhere or doubt myself sometimes. The reality is, those days will probably always happen in some capacity. What I have noticed though, is that through the growth I have experienced in the last year – when one of those bad days strikes, I am much much quicker to bounce back than I used to be. The 7 tools I listed above certainly helped that growth and I am looking forward to continuing on this journey.
Last year when I shared my story, I got a lot of feedback and that support meant the world to me. Seriously, you are all so wonderful and have no idea how much your feedback lifted my spirits. I was also contacted by quite a few people who found themselves in toxic / abusive relationships or were also in the stages of healing from one. I was and continue to be available for anyone who needs support in this area. (Feel free to email me: Tammy.Martin3611@gmail.com) I am not a professional but I do know what has been working for me and who knows, maybe it could work for you too. Let’s hope that by this time next year I finally have my smile back. For now, I will settle for this one:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Local Domestic Violence Hotline (Lancaster, PA) 717-299-1249
July 14, 2018 