One of the first things you hear when you are healing from trauma is that healing isn’t linear. The first time I heard this phrase from my therapist, I assumed it was just something she was saying so that I could feel like I had an excuse when I had a bad day. I viewed it almost as a cop out. That phrase didn’t resonate with me and I felt as if I would be weak if I believed in it. I am me and I am strong – therefore I will be different. My healing will be fast and easy and I will persevere without any hiccups along the way. Boy, was I wrong. Ironically, my third year of healing has been the hardest by far so I guess this is life, yet again, teaching me these lessons the hard way.

I will share with you the bad news first: I still have not reached the end of my dental journey and my front tooth still hasn’t been replaced. I had been counting down to the finish line. I fully believed that this chapter of my life would have closed in the beginning of 2021. I had already dealt with the disappointment of my implant surgery failing the previous year, which is very rare, so what were the chances it would fail again? I walked into implant day feeling so optimistic and almost riding the high of all of the support i had rallied around me. The procedure was completed, however, there wasn’t enough bone growth in the proper place for the implant to be successful and now it’s just sewn up in my gums awaiting the new plan.

The good news is: there is a new plan! After second, third and fourth opinions, I am happy to announce that I have an appointment scheduled for August 4 with a new dentist, a brand new procedure and hopefully a new outcome. Honestly, I am terrified for this appointment because it is going to be intense. They will be pulling my other front tooth, removing the failed implant, inserting bone grafts in their place, shaving down the two teeth on either side of my front teeth and positioning a 6 tooth bridge across the front of my mouth. To say that I’m nervous is an understatement. I am a mixture of excited, scared, anxious, cautiously optimistic and worried. If you happen to think about it on that day, send good vibes my way!

Now that the dental news is out of the way, let’s discuss this idea of healing not being linear and what that actually means and looks like. I believe that we as humans are capable of incredible strength, patience, determination and self control. Through this experience, I have tried my hardest to live my life as though I am not battling within myself on a daily basis. The first year after the assault was so overwhelming that I’m not sure I even had time to truly feel my emotions and understand all of the things I was facing. After the first failed dental surgery, I hit a brief dark place understandably, but I felt as though I handled it very well and bounced back with optimism and energy to push forward. The second year was a lot of anticipation for the end of this chapter. It’s hard work to heal mentally and emotionally from an abusive relationship and I had dedicated myself to healing every little bit of it. The hang up was, even if I felt healed on the inside, I still wasn’t fully healed on the outside and it forced me to be reminded of that every moment of every day. When I got the news that my second implant procedure failed, I was devastated on a level I had never felt before. It crushed me. I wasn’t prepared for bad news and I didn’t know how to face it. It sent me into a dark spiral and I quickly found myself in the lowest low of my life.

Healing isn’t linear? Well, I guess it’s not. The version of myself that smiled every day in spite of how crappy my teeth looked was gone. My laughter was replaced with tears. I entered a depression that consumed me so quickly that I didn’t even know what was happening until I was drowning in it. My energy was so low that I spent so many days not leaving my bed. I was consumed in asking WHY. Why do i have to wait so long to heal from this? Why am I facing so much failure? Why do I deserve this? “Why” questions can be dangerous because they usually don’t have a definite answer. You can get lost in questions like these for hours, days, weeks. Truthfully, there isn’t an answer to any of them that would make me feel better anyway so i had to train myself to stop asking them.

In the depths of this depression, I quit my full time job. I physically and mentally could not do it anymore. I struggled being around other people because I knew I wasn’t capable of being the version of myself that they knew. Being in public was torture most days and I spent a lot of time alone. Being alone is already fairly natural for me, but now I was unable to fulfill even basic social outings. I found myself canceling plans all the time. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I felt like I had lost direction and purpose and my life lacked fulfillment and vision. I was alone all the time and I was the worst company for myself.

During this time with my mind so clouded and my motivation non existent, I was trying to find a solution for my teeth. It took everything I had mentally, physically, emotionally, financially – to try to find a way to fix this curse that continued haunting me. Because I had quit my job, my funds were getting low as the months passed and I was in and out of various dentist offices. At one point I thought i finally found a dentist and a plan that would work but the only problem was the price was absolutely insane. There was no way I would be able to afford it and I became so frustrated that I even had to worry about this mess.

After considering multiple options for financial assistance, I decided to take a different route. I reached out to my abuser and I asked him to pay. I felt strongly that the person responsible should own the debt. Since court had failed me two years prior, I felt that this was my only hope for this outcome. He requested to meet in person to discuss and at first I was extremely hesitant. We came to an agreement with terms that I felt safe with and we met face to face in a public park. This may sound crazy, but seeing him that day changed me. It validated my growth and healing. It highlighted my confidence and self control. You can spend years in therapy and working on yourself each and everyday to heal from someone and it feels somewhat easy when you never have to see them. Facing him showed me how much I have changed. It showed me that I am strong and that I can keep pushing forward. It jolted me out of my depression state and I almost instantly felt powerful and capable and motivated. I pulled myself out of bed. I drove to the park. I sat at the picnic table. I faced him. I handled what needed to be handled and I left feeling more empowered than I have in years.

Healing isn’t linear. Our meeting in the park was almost 2 months ago and I have not had a depressing day since. I have turned a corner and I feel lighter and much more in control of myself. My negative emotions have subsided and I have sustained consistent motivation for weeks now. I feel good and I think internally, I am reaching a place of acceptance of this journey as a whole. Most things in life are bittersweet and I suppose this is a strange example of that. I am learning to love who I am again. I am finding less and less value in what others think of me and it’s given me a freedom that is indescribable. Healing isn’t linear and I have finally learned the importance of that statement. Knowing that bad days exist is crucial knowledge to have because when they appear they won’t invalidate all of the good days.

Things are looking up and I genuinely feel hopeful to be able to put all of this to rest very soon. I can’t wait to simply smile again without the immediate reminder of my past. Never give up. There are lessons in every hurdle and there is opportunity for growth at every bump in the road.

Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. It means the world to me.

*** National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

*** Local Domestic Violence Hotline (Lancaster, PA): 717-299-1249

Two years ago, July 14, 2018, I was assaulted by my former boyfriend resulting in major dental injuries, bodily harm and emotional / mental trauma. (See my 2019 post for details) Today, I have healed on so many levels, however, I am still dealing with invasive dental work and have yet to achieve success replacing my front tooth. I thought 2020 would be my year to finally have my smile back, but as with many other things in this world, 2020 has not been kind to these hopes and dreams.

February of this year I was scheduled to have a healing cap placed on my dental implant. The plan was that a week after I would finally have the replacement tooth inserted. I felt like I was approaching the finish line. During the procedure, my implant came completely out. This was unexpected and incredibly discouraging, but I am here to tell you what I have learned from this experience. The photos below are a perfect representation of how quickly bad news can effect us emotionally. The photo on the left is me feeling so excited for this next step and envisioning the light at the end of the tunnel finally approaching. The photo on the right is after the procedure was over and I was informed that it failed and we would have to start the process all over again. In this moment, I was absolutely crushed and defeated. So much of my brain wanted to go back into a victim mentality – “Why me?” “Why do I deserve this?” – and today I am going to share with you how I have chosen to grow over the last year and shift my mindset so that life’s disappointments are much more manageable.

A week later, I was back in the dentist chair and getting a second bone graft to restart the process from the beginning. This procedure was way more invasive, way more painful and way more emotional for me. Trigger Warning: The video below shows my mouth swollen and full of stitches. I am only showing it because I think it’s important to be completely upfront with how insane this process has been and how critical it is for EVERYONE to recognize unhealthy and toxic relationships – and leave them!

My first year of healing was hard. It was very mental, emotional and trying. My focus was on healing physically enough that people couldn’t tell there was anything “wrong” with me. Then my focus shifted to healing emotionally enough that I would never be in a relationship like that again. Then it shifted again to healing mentally enough to not even care that I was missing a front tooth. The balance between these 3 focal points was difficult. They shifted constantly. My confidence also shifted constantly.

My second year of healing has been focused almost exclusively inward. In a lot of ways, this has allowed me to grow exponentially. It’s not that I don’t care at all anymore that I’m missing my front tooth, but instead I have reached a place of acceptance about it. It was not my fault. There is nothing I can do to change it in the present moment. I also finally started to realize that I cared about it more than anyone else. My mind was focusing on it constantly, but no one else around me was. Finally waking up to that reality was huge. It was one less thing I had to worry about. The feelings of being stared at or judged or asked uncomfortably about it were gone. Just because I can constantly feel the flipper in my mouth does not mean that everyone around me is aware of it.

The biggest lesson I have learned in the last year is that mindset is everything. Life is going to be hard. Things will not always work out. We will get knocked down, discouraged and challenged in this world. We all have choices in how we handle these setbacks. We can focus on them and let the gray cloud slowly hover over our heads or we can count our blessings, pick ourselves up and persevere. It is never easy to immediately count blessings when things go wrong. It’s healthy to feel sad, angry or down in the dumps sometimes. What isn’t healthy is keeping your mindset there any longer than you have to. I learned a few tricks that have worked for me to keep a positive mindset and I will share them in case they may work for you too.

1. KEEP A JOURNAL! I journal everyday. No matter if I am feeling happy, sad, angry, scared, nervous, anything – I make sure I let out those feelings on paper because it gives me a release. Your support system may not always be available to you so it’s important to have an arsenal of other weapons to help you navigate your healing. My journal has allowed me to look back in time and see where I was and how much I have grown on days where I feel defeated. It has also allowed me to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, disappointments and successes while being completely genuine and raw without fear of judgement or criticism. I bring my journal with me to therapy every week and it has been a great tool for me when maybe my spoken words fail me, my writing can fill in the gaps. Sometimes things are harder to talk about and so those things in writing can open up uncomfortable dialogue that I may not be as inclined to share in person with my therapist. Most of my journal is very private but I am going to share something I wrote to myself as a reminder of seeking encouragement from within sometimes.

2. THERAPY! I can not express enough how much therapy has completely changed my life, my attitude, my mindset and my confidence. Speaking to a professional who can provide sound, unbiased and healthy advice is crucial to navigating the healing process. My therapist has taught me who I am, although she would never take credit for it. There are some friends / acquaintances I have spoken to in the last year who did not have a similar therapy experience. After speaking to those people, I realized something. As with most experiences in life, you get out of them what you put into them. I could easily forget about my journal or ignore the advice given to me or pretend that I have it all figured out – but all I would be doing with that mindset is throwing my money away. Do not go to therapy or any other type of service if you are not interested in growth. Take the time to value yourself and first make sure that you have a good match with your therapist. Once compatibility is established, release yourself and let down your walls. Tell your therapist what you are struggling with. Listen to their advice. Read and take notes on the books and articles they recommend. Don’t be afraid to be raw and honest. You are protected in that room and that includes your thoughts and feelings. Value yourself and your future enough to put in the work to grow. Take advantage of the amazing opportunity to see a perspective different from your’s. Remember that sometimes when we heal from trauma, we realize that former habits, thoughts, patterns or feelings may have originated from very unhealthy and toxic places. These realizations are difficult to see by yourself. Trust your therapist to help you through them and I guarantee you will feel so much lighter and free when you have those awakenings. I treat therapy almost like a college course on myself. Spending 1 hour at a time in her office is fine, but the growth comes from taking what is learned in that 1 hour and applying it to my life during all of the other hours.

3. SUPPORT SYSTEMS! Who do you trust in your life? Who do you feel comfortable turning to when you are feeling down? Whether it be family, friends, neighbors, a significant other, etc – those people are your support system and just as they may reach out to you when they are feeling defeated, you should try to reach out to them when you are feeling that way too. I have found that sometimes just getting out of my house and forcing myself to be social has helped a lot. Being around your support system doesn’t have to mean that you are having a sit down meeting about all of the issues plaguing you. It could just mean that you are around another human that you love and without saying anything, you are reminded of that love and support. Sometimes that can be enough. Another thing I have learned about support systems in the last year is that as we heal from trauma and grow, sometimes we can outgrow people. Outgrowing someone doesn’t mean that one person is better than the other or more advanced or anything like that. It just means that what used to line up and serve the relationship simply doesn’t anymore as you grow and shift your needs. It’s natural and although it may be hard to see certain friendships and relationships change, it also makes room for new ones as you start to grow into your new self. As you continue to learn to value yourself, you will want relationships in your life that mirror that. Surround yourself with positivity, encouragement and peace the best that you can.

4. NATURE! Connect with nature! Even if you just drink your coffee in the morning with your bare feet in the grass – try to do something to get outside everyday. There are plenty of social-distance-friendly places out there where you can find quiet time to connect with yourself, breathe in fresh air, let the warm sun hit your face and feel the earth at your feet. Sit quietly and listen to trickling water in a creek. Find a comfy rock or tree stump to sit on and stare up at the trees blowing back and forth in the wind. Nature is beautiful and our bodies and minds were made to connect with it. Focusing on TV and social media and all of the negativity that comes along with that can be detrimental to your healing and growth if you aren’t balancing out that negativity with something positive.

5. DIET / EXERCISE! One of the first things we start neglecting when we feel depressed is our diet and motivation to exercise. I’m not really a health fanatic or anything like that but I do happen to love cooking and I’m lucky that vegetables happen to be my favorite food to cook. Make sure you have access to drinkable water. Buy yourself a Brita filter and make sure you are keeping your body hydrated. Dehydration can cause all kinds of symptoms that will keep a depressed person very much depressed. Eat what makes you happy but also find the balance to eat what makes your body happy too. I like to try to cook a big meal about 3 times a week and eat the leftovers on the off days. Prepping is a big way to help stay on track. If you have healthy options readily available, you will be more inclined to choose them. Do what works for you as all of our bodies are different, but no matter what, make sure you at least value yourself enough to care. As for exercise, there are so many online options right now because of the social distancing measures. I know for me, working out at home is much more comfortable than going to a gym. Exercising doesn’t have to feel like exercise if you like what you are doing. Go for a hike. Walk around your town and check out neighborhoods you’ve never been to. Go kayaking. Anything to get your body moving each day will keep your energy up.

6. BE BOLD! This may seem daunting when you are feeling overwhelmed already but I have found that it helped me to jump into ideas or experiences that would have previously made me anxious. Last fall, I traveled to Thailand and Indonesia with two close girlfriends. I got stitches out of my mouth a week before we left and I was slightly nervous about traveling so far… to third world countries… with a chance for something to go wrong with my mouth. I could have let that stop me. I could have held myself back, but instead I went and figured if anything happened, maybe I would get to see the inside of a Thai dentist office. That trip ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life and I learned so much about myself on it. Sometimes throwing ourselves out of our comfort zones allows us to be impacted in ways that we wouldn’t have normally. That trip to Asia built my confidence, made me feel capable and encouraged me to see more of the world.

7. INVENTORY! Take inventory of your life as often as you can. What does this mean exactly? Prioritize time to sit with yourself and look objectively at your daily life. What is bringing you happiness? What is causing you stress? Keep track of these things and try your best to eliminate whatever isn’t serving your greater good. We are who we surround ourselves with. The people and experiences around you will impact your energy and mindset. Make sure you are doing what you can to keep the energy around you positive and it will aid your overall mindset, mood and outlook. I personally try to take inventory of myself as often as I can, however, another calendar marker that I use are the full moons. Many people believe that during a full moon you can mentally release things that are no longer serving you and kind of recharge yourself. Since full moons occur about once a month, it’s perfect timing to reflect on your past few weeks, understand what is bringing you up or down in your life and try to let go of anything that has been weighing on you. Setting boundaries in your life toward negative things is a very necessary step toward happiness.

Disclaimer: I by no means have this whole healing journey figured out. I still have many hard days or days where I struggle to get out of bed. I still get emotional out of nowhere or doubt myself sometimes. The reality is, those days will probably always happen in some capacity. What I have noticed though, is that through the growth I have experienced in the last year – when one of those bad days strikes, I am much much quicker to bounce back than I used to be. The 7 tools I listed above certainly helped that growth and I am looking forward to continuing on this journey.

Last year when I shared my story, I got a lot of feedback and that support meant the world to me. Seriously, you are all so wonderful and have no idea how much your feedback lifted my spirits. I was also contacted by quite a few people who found themselves in toxic / abusive relationships or were also in the stages of healing from one. I was and continue to be available for anyone who needs support in this area. (Feel free to email me: Tammy.Martin3611@gmail.com) I am not a professional but I do know what has been working for me and who knows, maybe it could work for you too. Let’s hope that by this time next year I finally have my smile back. For now, I will settle for this one:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Local Domestic Violence Hotline (Lancaster, PA) 717-299-1249

Sometimes events happen in life that change everything. If these events happen to be traumatic, difficult, or trying, the healing process can be quite extensive. One year ago, July 14, 2018, was my traumatic event and I am forever changed because of it. 

 My on-again, off-again boyfriend of a decade assaulted me. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. He continued to punch and swing until all I could see was blood. At some point during the attack, I realized that I was missing my front tooth and I started screaming. I thought he was going to kill me right there on my kitchen floor. Once he decided he was done beating me, he grabbed my phone, threw it in the toilet, and ran out my front door. At the time, I did not have a car and my phone was my only lifeline. He knew that.  I knew I needed to get to the hospital. I grabbed my phone from the toilet, ripped off the case, threw it in a bowl of rice and prayed that it would still work. There were water marks all over the screen and it was barely functional. The only app I could click on was Facebook messenger and the only person I could click on was whoever was “active” in the center of my screen. I was fortunate that the person my phone allowed me to contact was available and also happened to be a longtime friend of mine. Without hesitation, he came to my house and took me to the ER. I was so fortunate in that moment to not be alone. To him: Thank you for being there for me. I will never forget it.

One year later, the majority of my injuries are healed. Mentally, I still have hard days or low days or sad days. Those types of days are becoming fewer and fewer. Physically, I am still missing my front tooth. I’ve had multiple invasive procedures and have spent lots of time at the dentist office. I’m on the home stretch at this point, but day to day this process feels like an eternity.

The point of sharing this story isn’t about the day of the assault or about my past – it’s about the journey of this last year and the most important lesson of all: To know your worth. The photos below are graphic and I don’t mean to offend anyone but I think it’s important to share the whole truth and raw reality. If you don’t know your worth in an unhealthy relationship, as I didn’t, you could eventually fall victim to something like this. 

I was fully without my front tooth for the first week. (No flipper / retainer to hide the hole in my mouth.) I had multiple stitches on my inner and outer bottom lip. My gums were purple. My face was bruised and sore. I had a gash on my forehead. My lip was so swollen and cut so deep that I barely had feeling in it. I struggled to drink out of a cup and had a hard time with a straw because of the numbness / stitches. Eating was a challenge for weeks, even months. Smoothies, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese… eventually as I healed more, I could cut up normal food in small pieces and eat almost anything. However, eating in public is still challenging for me. It’s hard to eat gracefully with the flipper in my mouth and it’s embarrassing to take it out in front of people. Sometimes, I am brave and I pop out the fake tooth and dive into a cheeseburger.

• 

It was hard to be around people for a long time and I found myself covering my mouth when I talked. My friends would try to cheer me up and get me to laugh, but I quickly learned how to smile with my mouth closed. It was a huge hurdle to let go of the idea that: I let him steal my smile. I was known for that smile and now it was gone.

Managing those first few weeks was a challenge. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, confused, depressed, and lost. I started to question everything about myself and my life. My confidence was gone. People always say “follow your heart” and I felt like my heart had kept me in a relationship that constantly tore me down and made me feel like a shell of myself. I was now battling the notion that I couldn’t trust my own heart.

My job let me work nights while I healed and all of my coworkers were – and continue to be – amazing to me. They have given me space when I’ve needed it, listened when I was ready to talk, and have watched me heal and blossom into myself over the last 12 months. I am extremely blessed with their support and encouragement. 

You find out who your support system is when you’re faced with a traumatic event like this. I have been overwhelmed in the best way with the people who have been there for me. Friends that I used to view as acquaintances have stepped up and shown me more love than I could have ever imagined. 

My family has been there for me without hesitation from the start. I will be forever thankful for the unconditional love that we all share.

My best friend – my soul sister – I don’t know what I would do without her. Even states away from each other, she has never been anything but loyal and loving and most importantly, honest with me.

In addition to seeking the support of friends and family, I started seeing a therapist weekly. I don’t know if it was sheer luck or meant to be, but I owe so much of where I am now to her. When you spend so many years hiding the truth and managing everyone’s impressions of you, it’s difficult to switch gears and put it all out there. She never once judged me and she provided me with a safe place to unload and share anything and everything. I take my time with her very seriously and, because of that, I have gotten so much out of our sessions together. I’ve read every book and article she’s recommended; I’ve kept a daily journal; I’ve set goals and I’ve actually achieved them! You get out of therapy what you put into it and I can honestly say it’s been one of the most rewarding things to ever happen to me. To her: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me rediscover myself, let go of so much pain, and look forward to the future with confidence and determination. 

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When you’re coming out of a decade long relationship that had several low points, it’s very hard to stand on your own two feet and accurately identify all of the bad habits that you learned. You start to realize that over time you became numb to things that would be automatic red flags for most people. For me, verbal abuse became something I was accustomed to. I knew I was strong enough to handle it so I just let it happen and prayed one day it would stop. What you don’t realize in the moment is that even if you are “strong enough,” words chip away at you. They erode your self-esteem. They make you insecure and eventually you’re so used to hearing them that you start to believe their meaning. It’s challenging to try to rebuild self-esteem when you’re walking around hiding a missing front tooth. For several weeks I couldn’t even look in the mirror. I was so mad at myself for allowing him to do this to me.

Two months after the assault, I reconnected with a man that had been a fun friend for a few years. He asked me on a date and at the time I felt unattractive, unstable and just all over the place. I decided to go on the date anyway and I was honest with him about what I was working through. We ended up connecting instantly. I went on to date this man for the next several months and I will remember for the rest of my life what he did for me and all that he taught me. He taught me to believe in myself. He taught me that I am stronger than I think I am. He taught me to accept love from a man and a puppy. He taught me the importance of laughing every day and how to relax and not be on constant alert. I brought a lot of odd relationship habits to the table. Things I assumed were normal, I quickly realized were not. I am forever thankful to this man for teaching me so much about myself, about love and about family. He opened up his home and his world to me and I will always be grateful for that. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. To him: Thank you for your patience with me while I battled through nightmares for weeks on end. Thank you for calling me beautiful when my mouth was full of stitches from surgery and I could barely look at myself. Thank you for loving me when I was still figuring out how to love myself. Thank you for sharing a piece of your big heart with me. I will always love you for all of that and so much more.

So much of healing from abuse is accepting the fact that the healing doesn’t happen overnight and you have to go through stages of letting go. For some, it’s hard to let go of the person. To whomever needs to hear this: There is no excuse for a partner to physically, emotionally, or verbally harm you. The second it happens, remove yourself. Once certain lines are crossed in an argument, it sets the bar lower and lower for the next argument. If a relationship lacks mutual respect, it is not worth investing your time and energy into it. Again, know your worth! For me, the hardest things to let go were the bad habits and ideas I had clung onto for so many years. I was so conditioned to prepare for the worst-case scenario because often I found myself facing that exact scenario.  I was living in constant survival mode. When you live with this mentality, it’s extremely difficult to move forward and view the world from an objective stance. I believed everyone around me was a threat and anyone trying to get close to me would probably end up hurting me. Those ideas are not only untrue, but also unfair to the many people who were not the man that assaulted me – yet I was treating them like they were on his level. Habits are hard to break, but not impossible. As you continue to let go of old baggage, whether it be in the form of people or ideas, you realize how much lighter and fulfilling life can be. The most important part of letting go is to realize that nothing happens on a linear timeline. There could be five really amazing days in a row where you feel on top of the world and like things are finally all coming together. Then you wake up on that sixth day feeling like you are back to square one. It’s important not to let those types of days discourage you but instead give yourself grace and continue forward.

There will be a whirlwind of emotions coming from all directions. Sadness, anger, regret, blame, self-deprecation, depression, and sometimes even hysteria will be present. Healing from abuse of any kind is a long process. It is crucial that you face each of these emotions, allow yourself to feel them and when you are ready, address the root of where they came from. Often times the surface reason for these emotions is only a small part of the cause. I had a very difficult time not blaming myself for what happened. I kept thinking, “if only I respected myself enough to leave this relationship years earlier” or “why did I give up and not defend myself?” It is normal to have these feelings at first. In my opinion, it is even healthy to have these feelings. What isn’t healthy is allowing them to linger and start to create even more layers of abuse; only this time coming from within yourself. At this point, one year later, I still wonder why I didn’t leave that relationship. I still sometimes wonder why I had so little respect for myself that I would allow someone to treat me less than I deserved. What I don’t wonder anymore is whether it was my fault. I blame myself for a lot of things in my life – that’s just who I am. This scenario was especially difficult for me to let go. I replayed it in my head over and over again. I had nightmares about it for weeks on end. I over analyzed every detail trying to find the exact moment that I screwed up and caused things to be so bad. Eventually, after many books, journal entries, therapy sessions, chats with my support system and time, I realized that no matter what I did that day – I couldn’t have prevented this from happening. It wasn’t the first time he physically abused me, it was only the worst time. This time, without a front tooth, I couldn’t hide it from anyone anymore. Perhaps that was my biggest blessing. It freed me.

My advice for anyone who currently finds themselves in an unhealthy relationship or is freshly removed from one, is this: be your own advocate and don’t hesitate to ask for what you need. It will be very clear in the beginning who your support system is. If people you trust offer to be there for you, let them. Sometimes our inner circle knows what we need better than we do. Seek help if you need it. Whether that help comes in the form of counseling or reading a book or needing company – seek it out! Anyone who knows me knows that I do not take medicine. I was offered a prescription for anti-anxiety / anti-depressants in the immediate aftermath of the assault. I chose not to use them because I knew I would be OK, but if you need an extra boost at first to keep yourself safe in your own mind – take it! I will also reiterate here that finding a counselor that you feel comfortable with is a game changer. It was new territory for me and I was very nervous at first. As you develop a trust and comfort with your counselor, dig as deep as possible into the causes of what made you susceptible to an unhealthy relationship in the first place. The answers you find probably date back to way before you even knew your abusive partner. We can only break the cycle if we face it head on. YOU CAN DO IT.

Presently, I am happy. I feel more like myself than I ever have. I know who is in my corner and I know where my weaknesses and strengths lie. I know my unhealthy tendencies and I am still actively working to break those habits. Although I feel better now than I ever have (even without a complete set of teeth in my mouth), I still have a long way to go in this healing journey. There is no timeline. There is no deadline. As long as you are moving forward, you are headed in the right direction and that is all that matters. We all deserve happiness, respect, trust and fun in a relationship. If even one of those are missing, it creates an unbalanced scenario that can quickly escalate into something unhealthy. Take inventory of your life and who you surround yourself with. The impact of the people around us shape who we are. Knowing your worth makes these issues very visible. When you don’t know your worth, it’s easy to fall victim to a very lopsided and unhealthy dynamic.

I’m not an expert. I’m not really anything other than a woman who has a story to tell. This is what I have learned in the last year and this is what has turned my life around. There is hope for everyone. If you are reading this and you feel that you do not have a support system or anyone that you trust to turn to – you have me. I have reached a peace with my situation and I am more than happy to listen, offer advice or encouragement. At the end of the day, we are all WORTHY of happiness. Never ever forget that.

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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)

Local Domestic Violence Hotline (Lancaster, PA): 717-299-1249